I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
