Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
