Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
