I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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