Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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