So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize