Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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