k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
