Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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