you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
