life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
