just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
