I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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