the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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