I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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