Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You can't motorboat a personality
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
