I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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