i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
