I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
