3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
