please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
