Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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