He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
