I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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