If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize