So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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