oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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