my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
