Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
