Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize