as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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