you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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