dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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