anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize