the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
