birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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