I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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