I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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