where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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