I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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