I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
