I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
