i think my mom watched the whole time
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
