i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
