It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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