I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
