I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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