Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
