and you said cock pushups were impossible
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just gargled with NyQuil
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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