No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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