i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
