How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
