have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize