wat bout pragnant strippers??
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
