it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
