i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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