Porn is love you can see.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
