good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
please come you make the beer taste better
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
