oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
