WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
